Anyone who’s tried dating in the past decade knows that it’s pretty rough. No one wants to be lonely but it seems no one wants to commit, either. Additionally, we all have some degree of baggage that we bring to relationships and too few of us know how to recognize it and deal with it so we can have healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Relationships are triggering because you have to allow someone to see all part of yourself, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and too often, relationships fall apart because partners don’t know how to deal with these parts.
In the world of relationships, the concept of a friend with benefits (FWB) often raises eyebrows. “All of the fun with none of the commitment.” Well, as a relationship therapist who has had a FWB for the past year, I've learned a lot about how I show up in relationships and it wasn’t all pretty. Allow me to show you what I’ve gained from having a FWB and how it can help you become a better romantic partner. From navigating emotions and expectations to improving communication and self-awareness, a FWB arrangement can offer unexpected opportunities for self-discovery and personal development.
A Mirror to Our Dating Patterns
Having a FWB allows us to examine our dating tendencies and observe how we approach romantic connections. I’ve always loved romantic comedies and considered myself a hopeless romantic but this past year, I’ve learned that, early on, I often do a grand romantic gesture. I always thought this was just me being sweet but in a FWB arrangement, I had the space to see that these gestures were motivated by a need to prove my value to a potential partner, which can actually be quite off putting. Generally in committed relationships, partners help each other process things but a FWB doesn’t owe you that, so it’s on you to make sense of the patterns that come up, to understand your motivation, and to let go of unhelpful behaviors. Through this reflection, we gain the opportunity to understand ourselves better and work on any unhealthy or unhelpful behaviors we may have previously exhibited in dating so we can show up differently when we try dating again.
Handling Jealousy and Emotional Regulation
One significant challenge that arises in a FWB arrangement is jealousy. Knowing that your FWB may also be seeing other people can bring forth feelings of insecurity and possessiveness. However, it is precisely in these moments that we can learn to manage our emotions independently. Jealousy is such a misunderstood emotion and people often worry they’re bad for feeling that way. It’s natural to feel jealous and can lead us to recognizing our own expectations and insecurities so that we can also work on those. By acknowledging and addressing our jealousy, we can cultivate emotional resilience. This growth empowers us to rely on ourselves for emotional stability rather than projecting our insecurities onto others and making it their problem to solve for us.
Navigating Open Communication
Engaging in a FWB relationship necessitates open and honest communication, especially regarding sexual health. Discussing boundaries, expectations, and maintaining regular conversations about sexual well-being are essential components of this arrangement. These discussions encourage us to practice effective communication skills, respect our partner's needs and desires, and ensure the experience is safe and consensual for all parties involved. Learning to have open and respectful conversations about intimate matters prepares us for healthier and more fulfilling relationships in the future.
Cultivating Selflessness and Mutual Pleasure
A FWB relationship challenges us to prioritize our partner's pleasure alongside our own. It teaches us to be attuned to their needs and desires, fostering an understanding that a healthy sexual relationship is a two-way street. In a romantic relationship, a partner may feel compelled to stay in the relationship and work on the sexual aspect if everything else is going well, but a FWB is there for the sex, so it needs to be worthwhile or they’ll bounce. By focusing on mutual pleasure and ensuring both parties feel valued and satisfied, we develop a sense of empathy and consideration that extends beyond the realm of physical intimacy. This understanding can positively impact our future romantic encounters, as we learn to prioritize our partner's needs and treat them as equals.
Conclusion
While the concept of a friend with benefits may invite skepticism, it can offer unexpected personal growth and valuable insights for dating. Engaging in a FWB relationship allows us to examine our dating patterns, learn to handle jealousy and regulate our emotions, practice open communication, and cultivate selflessness and mutual pleasure. Ultimately, these experiences can make us better at dating by shedding light on our tendencies, enabling us to unlearn unhealthy behaviors, and approaching future relationships with increased self-awareness and empathy. Some FWBs can turn into a romantic relationship while others won’t, and that’s ok. What matters most is our willingness to learn. Sex is an incredibly natural part of being human and when it occurs outside of committed relationships, it’ll often bring up things that will come up in romantic relationships. A willingness to notice our role in relationship issues empowers us to put in the work to rise above these challenges and navigate romantic connections with greater authenticity and respect.