Hi Jake, I’ve been blaming myself a lot for negative things happening in my life and this is bleeding into my relationship with my partner. I’ve had my trust broken by a lot of other people so my mind always goes to suspicion, even when it’s not warranted. And then I feel guilty when I express that to him because it’s my shit I need to work through. Anytime something negative happens, I blame it on myself for manifesting the worst. It’s just a vicious internal cycle and I’m exhausted.
Signed, Over it
Dear Over It,
That sounds like a lot! I’m no stranger to the many tricks the brain can pull to keep the past repeating but there are some ways you can break that vicious cycle. It’s great you recognize that suspicion stems from your past experiences so when you find yourself feeling that way, ask yourself, “What are the facts? What do I know to be true in this moment?” Your brain can create a very compelling narrative that seems to confirm your suspicions and it does this because it feels like it knows what to expect if the present is the same as the past. But is it? It sounds like you don’t want it to be, and it doesn’t have to be. It’s ok to not have the full story but our brains hate an incomplete narrative so when we don’t know everything, it’ll fill in the gaps with our insecurities. This often happens outside our awareness and we let it happen because then we feel like “we know!” But it’s ok, and in fact more useful, to tell yourself, “I don’t know all the details, and that’s ok!” We find what we look for. Are you looking for confirmation of your suspicions or can you invite curiosity and look for connection through the uncertainty?
Ok, so then there’s the self-blame part of the problem. Of course you know that it isn’t helping, you don’t need me to tell you that. So why do you let it keep happening?! Notice it! Notice when your internal sense is that it’s your fault and (when appropriate) tell yourself, “Blaming myself feels familiar but it’s not useful or fair. In this moment, I’m going to give love to myself and let this feeling exist within me without identifying with it. Feelings aren’t facts.” Breathe. The part of you that’s so used to taking on blame just wants to feel seen and loved, so see it and love it, then let it pass. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re responsible for what happened! It’s just a feeling, it’ll pass if you let it.
Keep owning your shit and communicating it to your partner. Sometimes another person’s love helps us to love the parts of ourselves that feel harder to love. Share your experience in a non-blaming way but also don’t put yourself down. Try, “Hey I’ve been feeling suspicious again but I wanna be clear, I’m not accusing you of anything. I just need a little extra reassurance right now. Can you please hug me and tell me ________ (whatever it is you most need to hear in that moment, the opposite of what your guilt is telling you)?”. Your past and your internalized response don’t make you any less deserving of love. You’re also not “manifesting the worst,” you’re just reacting to what you know. Your past matters but it only has the hold over you that you let it have. Thank your brain and body for trying to keep you safe by catching the warning signs sooner and remind yourself you had reasons to be suspicious but don’t anymore. Honor your past so it doesn’t keep showing up and I hope you find it easier to be at peace!
Wishing you love and healing,
Jake